Letter: Hey Buddy, You made me an emotional invalid
I have turned so indifferent when it comes to you, I think even hatred would be better than this.
Do you realise what being someone's buddy means? A person can only have one buddy in their life. And that person comes before everybody else. It is like soulmates, only, you CHOOSE the person and then place utter faith in them, out of your choice and they do the same. That buddy is placed higher than everyone else in the world, whether it is family, friends, love or even oneself.
And you already knew the kind of person I am, always placing people above my family, doing anything for my friends, never believing in love. But I did always place myself on the highest ground. Everything came after. But it is different with a buddy.
I could take it if someone messed with me or someone else I cared about but for that buddy, I'd burn the world down before a single bad thing befell him.
It is the person you want next to you when you are convulsing on the floor in the darkness, hoping for an end to your existence. It is the same person whose mere presence is your support system. He doesn't even need to do anything for him to be that important to you. But it's all about connection, mutual trust and a strong bond.
You might start naming it love but those romantic feelings never came in. It was all just platonic.
Frankly, I never gave a damn about people and still don't. Except for you.
Not anymore though.
Have you ever experienced something soul-shattering? It is when you allow one person to have the entire control over your emotions, heart and soul. When you let that person become more than just a part of your life. Not even love can compete with such a bond because you don't choose who you fall in love with. But this..having a buddy is all about choice, effort and constant hard work to keep it growing. There's so much to it.
So, when by a change of circumstances, things change and the only person you thought you could depend upon drifts away, it is soul-shattering.
You start questioning your whole beliefs about people and the foundation of every relationship. It is like walking into your own house and finding the insides changed. You know it. You feel it in your bones that it is YOUR house but everything else makes it evident that it is not. A person you would sell your soul for...when he leaves, he takes away everything with him because you let him carry half of yourself and now THAT half is lost to you forever. It is worse than being sucked into a vacuum.
I wish, so badly, to have another buddy, a person who would without a second change give ME that part of his soul but how can I do that when I have nothing to give him back.
I'm utterly and irrevocably broken into two and while that part of me that you carry grows cold and numb, I try so hard to hold on to, grow and nurture what I have left but it just gets worse because now I'm more vulnerable, easier to hurt and yet I go on, being nice to everyone, putting them before myself because YOU never did that for me and you know what? It feels nice when someone does that for you.
So...sorry buddy(I'd steal that tag from you but that's not how it works) but I do blame you for making me an emotional invalid.
Your buddy.
Do you realise what being someone's buddy means? A person can only have one buddy in their life. And that person comes before everybody else. It is like soulmates, only, you CHOOSE the person and then place utter faith in them, out of your choice and they do the same. That buddy is placed higher than everyone else in the world, whether it is family, friends, love or even oneself.
And you already knew the kind of person I am, always placing people above my family, doing anything for my friends, never believing in love. But I did always place myself on the highest ground. Everything came after. But it is different with a buddy.
I could take it if someone messed with me or someone else I cared about but for that buddy, I'd burn the world down before a single bad thing befell him.
It is the person you want next to you when you are convulsing on the floor in the darkness, hoping for an end to your existence. It is the same person whose mere presence is your support system. He doesn't even need to do anything for him to be that important to you. But it's all about connection, mutual trust and a strong bond.
You might start naming it love but those romantic feelings never came in. It was all just platonic.
Frankly, I never gave a damn about people and still don't. Except for you.
Not anymore though.
Have you ever experienced something soul-shattering? It is when you allow one person to have the entire control over your emotions, heart and soul. When you let that person become more than just a part of your life. Not even love can compete with such a bond because you don't choose who you fall in love with. But this..having a buddy is all about choice, effort and constant hard work to keep it growing. There's so much to it.
So, when by a change of circumstances, things change and the only person you thought you could depend upon drifts away, it is soul-shattering.
You start questioning your whole beliefs about people and the foundation of every relationship. It is like walking into your own house and finding the insides changed. You know it. You feel it in your bones that it is YOUR house but everything else makes it evident that it is not. A person you would sell your soul for...when he leaves, he takes away everything with him because you let him carry half of yourself and now THAT half is lost to you forever. It is worse than being sucked into a vacuum.
I wish, so badly, to have another buddy, a person who would without a second change give ME that part of his soul but how can I do that when I have nothing to give him back.
I'm utterly and irrevocably broken into two and while that part of me that you carry grows cold and numb, I try so hard to hold on to, grow and nurture what I have left but it just gets worse because now I'm more vulnerable, easier to hurt and yet I go on, being nice to everyone, putting them before myself because YOU never did that for me and you know what? It feels nice when someone does that for you.
So...sorry buddy(I'd steal that tag from you but that's not how it works) but I do blame you for making me an emotional invalid.
Your buddy.
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